Dear You - I know who I'm writing to now

Dear You,

You sure do work in mysterious ways, don't you? There I was scared of vulnerability and affection, then bam! you sent 'the boy' my way. A boy who is very tall and has dark hair, just like she told me he would be. A boy who I met outside somewhere where people go and dance. A boy who understands I have walls and secrets and monster in my head, but doesn't care anyway. In fact, he actually wants to help breakdown those walls and secrets and monsters. A boy who said he likes me for my intelligence and the fact that I know books. He even likes the fact that I have short hair. Although, he did admit my boobs are pretty nice.
Okay, it did take me a while to not hate him for making me all giggly and hopeful and to admit that I did like him . Thank god for Ears and Moon Child and Hippy, for not letting me give up and freak out. But I do, I really like this boy.
Especially the way he plays with my fingers.
We've both talked about not wanting to be in each other pockets and to remind each other of our passions and goals.
So thank you, for sending this weird and wonderful boy my way. A boy who most importantly makes me feel safe.

Lots of love,
Fliss.

Time Capsules

When I was in year 10 and completely freaking about 'the big move', I created a time capsule. There was one for beautiful things I had collected. Then there was one for thoughts. Questions to reflect upon, what I had wore, wrote, done, eaten  that day and just random musings. Then when I was in year 12 and completely freaking about 'the big shake-up' I made one again. Except this time with just thoughts. 

It's really interesting to look back on the person I was and in some cases still am. To see the things I thought were the most important things in the world. And it turns out they're right, none of it really matters in the end. Those exams I cried silly tears over and stressed out like I couldn't believe. However, today I would like to share with you the questions I asked and the answers I'm giving. 

How is university?

At the beginning it hit me like a tonne of bricks, almost literally, but more like a tonne of books and bills. Now though, I feel a lot more calmer about it all. I know that this semester was just about finding my feet and next semester I know what I can improve on. Reflection - you use it all the time in both nursing and midwifery. I know that I'll need to be on my feet more though, midwifery goes up another gear. The people though, lovely, lovely, lovely. I've made some really beautiful friends and not quite with the people I expected to either. I'm still a butterfly though, not quite able to settle. 

Who are you still in contact with?

I hardly talk to Miss B, Nose, Duck or Greg Is Awesome anymore, which is weird because last year I couldn't live without them. When we do message each other, it's always awkward and short. None of us really divulging all our secrets, our cards much closer to our chests. I've been talking to That's Cute heaps, mostly because I realised that someday I will have to get over my fear that I'm boring and that I can't make conversation. I talk heaps to Hippie and Ears, which I'm still up in the air about whether or not that's a good thing. They're not the best influences. Moonchild and I still write essays, which I love. 'The Girls' and I have nice long chats here and there, which is comforting. I still miss a lot of people though and I just wish we were all back at school so I can hold their faces in my hands and just look into their eyes and see if they're okay. Also hug them, I miss hugging. 

Who are your friends?

Some of the weirdest, loudest and funniest people ever. There's Potato, who's quite literally obsessed with potatoes and all that they stand for. Which is apparently peace. Then there's Asian J and Asian M, who are so loud and noisy that you almost feel invisible. There's the beautiful Nepal and Writer, two quiet souls in the background. Then there's Blondie, who is probably the least likely person I thought I'd make friends with. And Richmond, from my old school who I was actually glad to leave behind when I left. Then there are the other lovely people who have just been so supportive and generous and ugh, beautiful (there's that word again). I'm grateful, I really am. 

Have you been in a relationship yet?

No, I'm still awkward as fuck when it comes to guys. Plus, my course is kind of lacking straight guy interaction - but that's okay, I'm not ready for a boyfriend. I don't even know how to love myself yet. 

What do you do for yourself?

I've found that reading actually helps and I've realised that was probably half the problem last year. I didn't read enough. There is nothing more wonderful then escaping into a book. I've also started to grow sunflowers, which is the scariest thing ever because they're really growing. I've been planting out the seedlings lately and I'm super nervous about any of them dying. I've accidentally killed a few and I know I have a whole bag full of seed, they're still my babies. It's made me realise how magical and precious life is. I've also taken up meditation and have found that I've been able to do it quite consistently. I've picked up the camera again and I had forgotten how good it feels between my fingers. A year of surprises. 

How was Shave For A Cure?

One word - empowering. Also a few more -  a great social experiment/experience. 

How's work?

More fun that it used to be, mostly because I've started to build friendships there. It's also a bit sad because I know that most of the people graduate or leave soon. I guess that's the point, nothing lasts forever. The usual customer behaviours are grating my nerves and I'm working on not letting it get to me. I've also found it's great practice for nursing and midwifery. As well as, learning on how to reflect on first impressions, or second, or third. It makes me want to be a better person and to think more carefully of the words and actions that I choose. 

How are the family? 

T and V are engaged! It's so very exciting and wonderful. I'm so extremely happy for them, to the point I've surprised myself. It's weird being an only child and I'm still going through the motions of trying to love my parents. I'm getting on better with D than I used to, but it's hard. I just don't know why though. 

I would apologise for writing so much, but I'm starting to learn that I don't have to apologise for existing. For having thoughts and writing them down. It's important that we all stop doing that though. 

What Is Love?

Me: How do you know when you're in love?

Moon~child:

You.. I don't know how to explain it. But I guess it's like, you know when you read a brilliant book or see a profound picture and you love it? I don't mean it was a really really great book, I mean it was THE most life changing, phenomenal book you have ever read, your favourite possible book in the universe by far and so maybe it had a few spelling errors or something - you don't care because you LOVED those spelling errors - how adorably they were laced in the pages. You love the title, you love the font, the smell of the pages, the feel of absolute comfort when it seems to almost fit your hands, the way it makes you feel like your heart, your real heart is going to burst with all the emotion you hold for this book. You just want to love it with all of your being and for it to love you back would be the single most amazing concept you could fathom. Because this book is not your everything, no, but it is such a massive part of your heart. And it is the most beautiful thing in the world. And the fact that you have formed these emotions for it, you find amazing.. so the fact that someone else could see you the same way is b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l. Everything you see shines. It's like you're a child who has just discovered the sun. And you have moments where you will just stop in the middle of a public place and sit down to watch the clouds for a few minutes. Because the world is that beautiful to you. And you'll have this smile that comes from nowhere that will creep up on you so so much. Any glimpses of them you catch will take your breath away because you're smiling so much and sometimes you even can't help but burst out into laughter. Simply for being in love. You want to scream THANK YOU to the sky as if its raining stars and spin in circles til you fall down. Everything makes you laugh. You want to tell other people how absolutely much you LOVE this person and how fantastic this feeling is and how you've never felt it and could never even imagine it and you want to shout how beautiful they are and you want everyone to see that. I've just realised that I lost the book metaphor a long time ago haha. One big thing about love is that, like family, they may frustrate you at times and you may fight about things (or not), but you never want to hurt them - not really. You never would want to do something like cheat or deliberately lie, knowing that it will hurt them. Not all people have that apparently, but I believe it. Physically, when you kiss someone you love it's like wow. It may not be the whole firework shebang, but it feels special. Kissing some random can't be pleasant lustwise, even kissing a crush can feel good and emotionally nice and stuff but there's something a little electric in a kiss of love. Tingling. And your brain and heart and lungs pretty much freak out and have a spaz, and you cannot stop smiling for so long. And you just want to do it again and not ever stop because man, that was fucking awesome, what is in your lips geez man. That's if you're me though. And a kiss is like this physical connection to match the emotional connection so together it's like mega connection with this person which is SO COOL because WOAH CONNECTION. Then the rest of it, you kinda can't keep yourselves off each other and get close enough and everything is funny and adorable and beautiful and exciting and good. Personally, I want to hold their hand ALL THE TIME but that includes crushes and even friends and whatnot so yeah maybe forget that part. Remember that all this is only me personally, your experience of love could be massively different. But essentially, you know. You just know. You wonder for a while and then it just gets to a point where you're pretty much "yep I'm in love all right".

Put simply, you know you're in love when you understand why everyone says its the most amazing feeling and why there are so many books and songs and paintings solely on love. You'll finally understand what all the hype is about, and that it really is all it's made out to be, just as heartbreak is all it's made out to be too. Love is like an orgasm of the mind.

I may not be an expert, but that's all I know.

Oh and one last thing - it's often pretty different from how you expected to feel (well you pretty much couldn't possibly have expected it) or who. They'll usually be different from the type of person you expected to fall for. But you kinda like that.

Done now (:

Me: Wow.