Dear You - I know who I'm writing to now

Dear You,

You sure do work in mysterious ways, don't you? There I was scared of vulnerability and affection, then bam! you sent 'the boy' my way. A boy who is very tall and has dark hair, just like she told me he would be. A boy who I met outside somewhere where people go and dance. A boy who understands I have walls and secrets and monster in my head, but doesn't care anyway. In fact, he actually wants to help breakdown those walls and secrets and monsters. A boy who said he likes me for my intelligence and the fact that I know books. He even likes the fact that I have short hair. Although, he did admit my boobs are pretty nice.
Okay, it did take me a while to not hate him for making me all giggly and hopeful and to admit that I did like him . Thank god for Ears and Moon Child and Hippy, for not letting me give up and freak out. But I do, I really like this boy.
Especially the way he plays with my fingers.
We've both talked about not wanting to be in each other pockets and to remind each other of our passions and goals.
So thank you, for sending this weird and wonderful boy my way. A boy who most importantly makes me feel safe.

Lots of love,
Fliss.

What Is Love?

Me: How do you know when you're in love?

Moon~child:

You.. I don't know how to explain it. But I guess it's like, you know when you read a brilliant book or see a profound picture and you love it? I don't mean it was a really really great book, I mean it was THE most life changing, phenomenal book you have ever read, your favourite possible book in the universe by far and so maybe it had a few spelling errors or something - you don't care because you LOVED those spelling errors - how adorably they were laced in the pages. You love the title, you love the font, the smell of the pages, the feel of absolute comfort when it seems to almost fit your hands, the way it makes you feel like your heart, your real heart is going to burst with all the emotion you hold for this book. You just want to love it with all of your being and for it to love you back would be the single most amazing concept you could fathom. Because this book is not your everything, no, but it is such a massive part of your heart. And it is the most beautiful thing in the world. And the fact that you have formed these emotions for it, you find amazing.. so the fact that someone else could see you the same way is b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l. Everything you see shines. It's like you're a child who has just discovered the sun. And you have moments where you will just stop in the middle of a public place and sit down to watch the clouds for a few minutes. Because the world is that beautiful to you. And you'll have this smile that comes from nowhere that will creep up on you so so much. Any glimpses of them you catch will take your breath away because you're smiling so much and sometimes you even can't help but burst out into laughter. Simply for being in love. You want to scream THANK YOU to the sky as if its raining stars and spin in circles til you fall down. Everything makes you laugh. You want to tell other people how absolutely much you LOVE this person and how fantastic this feeling is and how you've never felt it and could never even imagine it and you want to shout how beautiful they are and you want everyone to see that. I've just realised that I lost the book metaphor a long time ago haha. One big thing about love is that, like family, they may frustrate you at times and you may fight about things (or not), but you never want to hurt them - not really. You never would want to do something like cheat or deliberately lie, knowing that it will hurt them. Not all people have that apparently, but I believe it. Physically, when you kiss someone you love it's like wow. It may not be the whole firework shebang, but it feels special. Kissing some random can't be pleasant lustwise, even kissing a crush can feel good and emotionally nice and stuff but there's something a little electric in a kiss of love. Tingling. And your brain and heart and lungs pretty much freak out and have a spaz, and you cannot stop smiling for so long. And you just want to do it again and not ever stop because man, that was fucking awesome, what is in your lips geez man. That's if you're me though. And a kiss is like this physical connection to match the emotional connection so together it's like mega connection with this person which is SO COOL because WOAH CONNECTION. Then the rest of it, you kinda can't keep yourselves off each other and get close enough and everything is funny and adorable and beautiful and exciting and good. Personally, I want to hold their hand ALL THE TIME but that includes crushes and even friends and whatnot so yeah maybe forget that part. Remember that all this is only me personally, your experience of love could be massively different. But essentially, you know. You just know. You wonder for a while and then it just gets to a point where you're pretty much "yep I'm in love all right".

Put simply, you know you're in love when you understand why everyone says its the most amazing feeling and why there are so many books and songs and paintings solely on love. You'll finally understand what all the hype is about, and that it really is all it's made out to be, just as heartbreak is all it's made out to be too. Love is like an orgasm of the mind.

I may not be an expert, but that's all I know.

Oh and one last thing - it's often pretty different from how you expected to feel (well you pretty much couldn't possibly have expected it) or who. They'll usually be different from the type of person you expected to fall for. But you kinda like that.

Done now (:

Me: Wow. 

Count your blessings before they are gone

Dear you,
Today I shaved my hair for 'Shave For A Cure'. It feels empowering and weird and I love it. But what I'm grateful for the most is that I have a choice to shave off my hair, knowing that'll it grow back. That I don't have cancer and that I'm healthy. My choice to be bald may be a representation of my fight against cancer, but it will never be the same. I'll never be quite as brave as those who have family members affected or those actually fighting the battle against cancer itself.  I also love that so many people have been so supportive and it has really restored my faith in humanity.
I also learnt to appreciate my very own 'groupies'.
I also learnt to be aware that sometimes people are hurting more than they appear to be.

I also love that being friends with Hippie and Converse means being invited to a whole group of independent and supportive people. Their families are just so absolutely out-of-this-world kind and generous. But at the same time abusive in the good kind of way.

Today was the day I started to feel the energies again and that makes me so happy.

I've been listening to certain music lately that reminds me of all the people I miss: Miss B, Nose, Greg Is Awesome, Bus Buddy and soon-to-be-gone That's Cute. I'm glad though for feeling these feelings, because it means I can feel something. It means I'm alive.

I want to learn to be more grateful though and learn how to say thank you more often again.

All my love and hugs and sunshine,
Fliss.

P.S. Sorry for the lack of comment and such, uni has been full on.

Childhood Dreams

When I was little I had always wanted to be a checkout chick. I was obsessed with the tills and all their buttons, I even made one using buttons and a shoebox. It also had a toilet roll receipt dispenser and I used to put it on top of my mini ironing board. I would gather all my family to buy stuff from me. I wonder how my six year old self would react if she knew that I eventually became one.

She would probably be ecstatic.