Pain is necessary, but so is love

“Do not look for a sanctuary in anyone except your self.”

—	Siddhārtha Gautama

*Things were going swell with the African, I was happy, he was happy, we were happy.

*Then things started to not feel so swell...

*I started to feel things were not right with us.

*I listened to my gut instincts and broke it off.

*We stayed friends because he wanted to be friends.

*He kept trying to win me back, I remained where I was.

*He then tried to guilt trip me, I remained where I was (I am my mother's daughter).

*He then stopped talking to me.

*I found out he hooked up with a girl.

*I was hurt because I liked being friends with him and it was then I kind of realised he was using me to fill his emptiness (also, actions speak louder than words).

*He then started talking to me again.

*I'm still hurt because I feel foolish for believing in someone. 

*And I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

So now my heart and mind are a mess but I guess these things happen. I do know that I do not feel romantically for the African, that I only feel friendship. We just weren't suited for each other in the end. But I just can't stop analysing what were were and how I could have been so easily misled by his character. I know he's not a bad person, he's actually a very generous person, just a person who's looking for something to fill the void. He's a blackhole.

“I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I want…a steady hand. A kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved.”

—

Shana Abe

I just hope that one day I can find someone who wants to be with me because they like me not because they want a relationship.

Dear You - I know who I'm writing to now

Dear You,

You sure do work in mysterious ways, don't you? There I was scared of vulnerability and affection, then bam! you sent 'the boy' my way. A boy who is very tall and has dark hair, just like she told me he would be. A boy who I met outside somewhere where people go and dance. A boy who understands I have walls and secrets and monster in my head, but doesn't care anyway. In fact, he actually wants to help breakdown those walls and secrets and monsters. A boy who said he likes me for my intelligence and the fact that I know books. He even likes the fact that I have short hair. Although, he did admit my boobs are pretty nice.
Okay, it did take me a while to not hate him for making me all giggly and hopeful and to admit that I did like him . Thank god for Ears and Moon Child and Hippy, for not letting me give up and freak out. But I do, I really like this boy.
Especially the way he plays with my fingers.
We've both talked about not wanting to be in each other pockets and to remind each other of our passions and goals.
So thank you, for sending this weird and wonderful boy my way. A boy who most importantly makes me feel safe.

Lots of love,
Fliss.

Another Love

Dear you,

"I wanna cry and I wanna love, 

but all my tears have been used up, 

on another love, another love, 

all my tears have been used up,"

I'm really starting to develop a wonderful knack for being attracted to taken guys. I told Ear this little fact and she thinks it's a subconscious effort not to get in a relationship, as that would mean being vulnerable and that would be too scary.

I think she's right. 

I hate showing emotions, especially love. I don't know why that is though, I never used to be this way. It all changed when Ernie came into my life. 

I envy Perfect and Moon Child for their ability to love so openly and fully. To be romantic without fear. 

Maybe one day I'll get there.

All my love xx